Conflicts are bound to happen in providing care for another. Your loved one takes issue with what you are doing. Siblings want different actions in caring for a parent. You have responsibility for an adult with dementia and a spouse that deserves attention, too. Unfortunately, what can start as something trivial can quickly escalate to something much more serious in a matter of minutes.
That’s why it pays to know how to effectively resolve conflict. You can create some healthy boundaries and balance your emotions without creating unnecessary stress and anxiety.
Here are five tips for more effective conflict resolution that will help you out of any jam. They require taking a step back and analyzing what is the real problem at the heart of the conflict.
Tip #1: Find the Source of the Conflict
The first step in conflict resolution is to identify the source of the problem. Once you identify the issue, you can start taking the right measures to fix it. Let’s say the issue that has everyone up in arms is the need to provide more intensive care for mom, who is living in your home. You are convinced that she must stay with you until the end. Your brother wants to find a nursing home. He sees how exhausted and worn you are. His work requires evenings and some weekends, and his apartment downtown is not big enough for your mom to move in. His reaction is to shrug and say “nothing I can do”. Your sister is divorced, has a demanding job, three children under four and has a history of not following through when she promises to show up for a day. She is overwhelmed with life.
You need to specify what the real issues are. if you carry on without knowing exactly why you’re feeling the way you do, you will be angry and all worked up without really knowing why.
What is the real issue? First, can you agree on a mutual basis: Everybody wants the best for mom. Everybody has valid reasons for doing/not doing what they are.
Sometimes it is hard to put aside childhood issues and patterns of behavior. Can you agree to leave those in the past and treat each other as you are here and now?
Validate each other’s reasons and reactions as much as you can. That doesn’t mean you get to approve behavior – but recognize that is their choice to make and accept their reasoning for what it is and valid for this discussion.
While it may seem like a waste of time at first, if you think about it, you can’t solve any problem unless you first find the source of the problem. When you identify the root cause of the issue, everyone involved can strive towards not repeating the same thing in the future.
Tip #2: Find a Quiet and Safe Place to Talk
Once you understand the underlying causes of the conflict, it’s time to work on a solution. The thing about conflict is that you have to nip it in the bud and address it in a timely manner, so it doesn’t manifest into something bigger over time.
However, we’ve all been in similar situations and it can be daunting to try and engage in this type of discourse. Yet, you have to muster up the courage and just start because the sooner you deal with it, the better the outcome will be.
Remember that there’s nothing wrong with having a difference of opinion every now and then. It is how you communicate that makes all the difference in the world!
Listening carefully and offering quality feedback helps people to feel heard and understood. This, in turn, nurtures mutual respect.
Tip #3: Actively Listen
Active listening plays a big role in determining the way your conflict resolution proceeds. Listening means paying attention not only to what is being said, but how it is told, the choice of words, tone of voice, and how the other person uses his or her body. Listening is not a passive process. In fact, the listener can, and should, be at least as engaged in the process as the speaker.
Be patient when it’s the other person’s turn to speak. Write down any rebuttals that pop into your head to avoid interrupting them.
Show that you respect the other person’s emotions and point of view. This way, they’ll make it a point to try and do the same when it’s your turn to speak.
Tip #4: Determine Ways to Solve the Problem
After each person has had their chance to talk and listen, the next step is to try and find some sort of middle ground that all parties can agree on.
You’ll probably need a pen and paper or a white board to write down your ideas. Then start brainstorming.
Write out all the ideas that come, even the crazy ones. Those are usually the ones that lead to an effective end to the problem.
In our example, perhaps you could all agree that sister bring her children over to “see grandma”, once a week. All of them would be able to interact with grandma, get her drinks and snacks, spend time talking and just being together for an hour or two and no other responsibility. You go in another room to do what needs to be done or go for a walk with your spouse. A break for everyone. Maybe you could agree that brother take over some of the necessary paperwork for mom, such as paying bills, or ordering medications online. That would also free up some time for you. And you all agree that you will revisit as needed – maybe later, paying to send out mom’s laundry or hiring a housecleaner once a week. These simple and doable solutions will give you peace of mind knowing that you have “permission” to take care of yourself — and you all have flexibility in doing your part in what is best for mom.
There is one critical thing to always remember when working to resolve any conflict, and that’s to only focus on the issue at hand and not the persons.
This will help make the others feel safe enough to start finding ways to solve the issue, rather than always be on the defensive or feel like they’re constantly being judged.
Tip #5: Agree on the Best Solution
Finding common ground can be easier said than done. It requires each party to own up to their part of the conflict.
Not only that, but it also means they have to put in the effort of looking for a suitable compromise. Plus, they have to take the necessary steps to resolve it and perhaps address the problem again and again as things change with mom.
That can only take place once all parties have set clear expectations while respecting the other person’s differences. Also, it’s helpful to think of conflict as an opportunity to grow. When it’s managed properly, it can bring great insight and help you become more attuned to your needs and the needs of those around you.
The good news is that after opening up communication lines, taking the time to listen, and collaborating on solutions, it becomes easier each time. You have established neutral ground where everyone feels comfortable speaking and sharing ideas. The outcome is better for everyone involved, including mom.
For those who are visual people, here’s the process described above:
