Being assertive is a skill that comes naturally to some people, but not to all of us. It’s a skill, however, that can be learned and is essential as a caregiver. However, assertiveness can sometimes come across as abrasive, rude, or even mean or aggressive – none of which will help us as caregivers. How do we walk that fine line? What does it mean to be assertive? How do we become more assertive, and, most importantly, how to keep that assertiveness in check so it gets the point across without alienating the persons who are supposed to be helpers.
What does it mean to be assertive?
According to The Better Health Channel, “Being assertive means being direct about what you need, want, feel, or believe in a way that’s respectful of the views of others.” Being assertive can offer many benefits to almost every area of your life, not just caregiving, when kept in balance.
For example, when you’re more assertive in the workplace, you show that you have the qualities required of a leader and the confidence necessary to go for what you need or want. In your relationship, being assertive allows you to identify and be clear about what you want and need for a healthy relationship. Being assertive in advocating for your loved one is about the same thing. You are being clear and confident about what is needed for your person’s well-being.
What can you do to be more assertive?
The first thing is to make the decision to positively assert your views and commit to it. It’s not enough just to think about “ maybe trying” to be more assertive. It is recognizing that you have valuable insights about the person for whom you are caring. And that it is your responsibility – and right – to see that this information is considered in treatment plans. We learn to do this almost automatically, when we become a parent. However, if you are now an adult caring for another adult – no matter how you are related or came into the role of caregiver – it is a much more difficult step. You may be hesitant, but circumstances often require it.
If you have Power of Attorney, it is your legal right to have the knowledge. If you are closely related to the patient and they don’t object, you also have the right to have information and provide input. In many cases, medical offices welcome the extra ears and input, especially if the patient is impaired or elderly or stressed so that they don’t have clear understanding of their situation.
Two skills are crucial in assertiveness.
You need to communicate openly and honestly with Your tone of voice and actions are very important. Try to understand the other person’s perspective and don’t interrupt. And they should give you the same respect. Be aware that medical personnel – from the receptionist to the doctor – are on a time schedule. Keep your observations and questions short and to the point. It can be very helpful to compile ahead of time a bullet point note of things you want the doctor to know or that you need to ask. Note: If your charge has dementia, that can call for a different approach.
In addition to that, you have to become an active listener. The key to having the right balance in your assertiveness is to respect others and allow them the space to be assertive, as well. Pay close attention to what people say to you, taking notes is one way to stay focused. You want to stay calm, gather the information you need, ask questions to be sure you understand.
If you disagree, use what is referred to as “I” statements. “I” statements (I think, I feel, I know) and give examples. For instance, “ I think he has a lot of actual pain in the left arm because he winces when the upper arm is touched and won’t put weight on it when he transfers to bed or a chair.” Follow up with a question if you can- put the ball back in the expert’s corner. “ Wouldn’t that indicate an injury rather that weakness from inactivity? “
How can you keep your assertiveness in check?
There’s a fine line sometimes between positive assertiveness and abrasive rudeness. A good way to keep yourself in check and ensure you aren’t toeing that line is to be observant. If people start to back away, stack papers and act agitated, you may be coming on too strong. It is okay to back off, to say you are sorry. Even explain that this ailment, condition or disease is really frustrating and ask for understanding.
But also know that you deserve and need information that will allow you to provide the best care possible. It’s a fine line, but mutual respect and the understanding that you both want what is best for the patient can go a long ways toward getting optimum care.